Marriage is a lot like owning a truck in the winter. If you maintain it, it runs pretty smooth. But ignore the warning lights (ahem, your spouse’s needs), and suddenly you’re stuck in the driveway, wondering why you didn’t just plug it in the night before.
Now, let’s talk about a classic marital miscommunication scenario. You’ve had a long day. Work was a mess, the kids turned your living room into a war zone, and all you want is a nice back scratch. So you settle in next to your spouse, scoot a little closer, and, very subtly, position their hand right where you need it.
Nothing.
Alright, maybe they need a hint. You do a little shoulder wiggle, the international sign for “Please scratch my back before I lose my mind.”
Still nothing.
So you go for the failsafe strategy—you scratch their back first. Surely, this will trigger the ancient and unspoken law of reciprocity. You finish, lean back, and wait.
Instead of returning the favor, they smile at you and say, “That was so nice, babe! Thanks.”
… And that’s it. No return scratch. No mutual exchange. Just thanks and a complete disregard for justice.
Now you’re left questioning everything. Is this what marriage has become? A one-way street of unacknowledged kindness? If basic back-scratch etiquette is being ignored, what’s next—people taking the last slice of pizza without asking? Chaos. Absolute chaos.
But here’s the thing… they genuinely didn’t know what you wanted. Because, and here’s the real kicker—your spouse is not a mind reader.
Expectation vs. Reality
This kind of situation happens all the time in marriage, and it’s usually because we expect our partners to just know what we want.
You make them a coffee in the morning, so naturally, they should know to surprise you with a pack of your favorite beef jerky next time they stop for gas.
You shovel the driveway in minus-30 weather, so obviously, they’ll have a hot meal waiting when you come inside (or at least pretend to feel bad for you).
You put the kids to bed solo, so of course, that means they’ll rub your feet while you binge-watch a show you both pretend to like.
Except… that’s not how it works. Because while these things seem obvious to you, your spouse is just going about their day, blissfully unaware of the expectations you’ve secretly placed on them.
Why Don’t We Just Say What We Want?
At some point in life, we all got it in our heads that asking for things makes them less meaningful. Like if we have to say, “Hey, can you help me with the dishes?” it doesn’t count, because they should have just offered in the first place.
Ah yes, the classic "If you loved me, you would just know” logic. The same logic that has led many spouses into the deep, dark pit of passive-aggressive sighing and dramatic cupboard-slamming.
The reality? If you want something, just say it. Your spouse isn’t ignoring you, they just genuinely don’t know what’s going on in that brilliant but sometimes overly complicated brain of yours.
Silent Expectations = Unnecessary Arguments
Ever been mad at your spouse and they have zero clue why? That’s what happens when you expect them to figure out something that was never actually said out loud.
Let’s say you’re cleaning up after dinner. The kids have miraculously disappeared (weird how they always do that at chore time), and you’re stuck doing dishes while your spouse is kicked back watching a survival show—because apparently, watching other people struggle in the wilderness is relaxing.
Now, in your mind, this is a very clear situation: You cooked dinner, so obviously, they should be helping clean up.
But in their mind? They’re just enjoying some downtime, completely unaware that they’re one unwashed plate away from a full-blown marital cold war.
Instead of saying, “Hey, can you give me a hand with the dishes?” you opt for a more… theatrical approach.
First, the loud sigh.
Then, the strategically aggressive scrubbing.
Maybe a muttered “I guess I’ll just do it myself.”
Still nothing.
At this point, you’re practically a one-person opera, performing “The Tragedy of the Unhelpful Spouse” in the key of resentment.
And what happens next? A pointless argument where you end up saying things like, “You never help me with anything,” while they’re sitting there, confused, thinking, “Wait… was I supposed to help?”
All of this could have been avoided with one simple sentence:
"Hey, can you dry while I wash?"
Boom. Conflict avoided. Marriage saved. Dishes done.
How to Ask Without Sounding Like a Nag (or a Passive-Aggressive Sigh Machine)
If you want to get what you need in a way that actually works, try this:
Bad: "You never help with the dishes. I always do everything!"→ Instantly makes your spouse defensive. Now they’re listing off all the things they do, and before you know it, you’re arguing about who works harder while the dishes sit untouched.
Better: "Can you help with the dishes?"→ Okay, not bad. But also leaves room for, “Yeah, in a bit” (which we all know means never).
Best: "Babe, I’m exhausted. I made dinner, and I’d love it if we tackled these dishes together so we can both relax sooner."→ Why this works:
It’s clear – You’re saying what you want without expecting them to figure it out.
It’s reasonable – You’re not attacking them; you’re just asking for help.
It benefits both of you – Less work for everyone, more time to chill.
And let’s be honest—most spouses want to make each other happy. So why make it harder for them?
Marriage Isn’t a Mind-Reading Contest
Look, marriage is challenging enough without adding unnecessary guessing games into the mix. If you need help, say it. If you want something, ask. If you’re craving a snack, don’t sit there hoping your spouse magically brings you a bowl of chips—just tell them to pass the bag.
Because, at the end of the day, your spouse can’t read your mind.
And honestly? That’s probably for the best. If they could, you’d have to explain why you still get mad about that thing they said in 2016.
So spare yourself the stress. Use your words. And who knows? You might actually get what you want.
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